uh oh
11:48 x Mar. 21, 2004
My stomach is growling like a motherfucker but I'm not hungry. I can't even feel it..I have this weird numb feeling today. I can't really feel my fingers typing but I know that they are..when I tap something with them they have that asleep/tingly feeling. Weird.
I tried to puke after breakfast but I couldn't. I was sitting at the table and reading the paper and then something went 'pop' in my head and I had this NEED to do it. I don't think I can explain that...it was scary as hell though and I started crying after..I felt like a failure..I still do. I'm afraid to eat lunch...what if it happens again? Like, sitting here I'm going through all the food in my house I could eat and puke and it's exciting and it shouldn't be.
I have a sociolgy FINAL due on Thursday that I haven't even started yet. I keep putting it off. Typical end-of-the-year stuff for me though.
Thinking about the puking makes me feel all light and airy and summery. Maybe it's cause depression goes with winter and fucked-up eating goes with spring and summer. I can't wait for spring for all the wrong reasons.