my hell
10:32 x Mar. 21, 2004
I remember this.
The personal hell that I created just for myself. I can get lost in here for weeks at a time...it feels like I’m holding my breath the whole time. Probably because it’s such a balancing act. ‘Have to stay inside myself, not let anyone in, not let anyone find out’, but have to do enough to shut up the damn whispers. Keep them happy and life goes on semi-smoothly. Once they yell, it’s all over...I’m constantly on an edge, one thought that’s not allowed and it all falls apart.
There’s nothing I can do without thinking about it. No laughing (am I trying too hard), no kissing (can he tell), no sleeping (nightmares), no crying (weak, fucking piece of shit), no exercising (shut up shut up shut up), no school...I may *be* there but my mind is somewhere else completely.
It’s fine for me, but not for anyone else. Get out while you can…you don’t deserve it. But I do..
Last time someone found out, they tried to take it away. The only thing that’s completely mine. I went with it, but I can’t help wondering if I was lying (I didn’t mean it, I didn’t).
When I come out, the world seems so bright...it’s blinding. The flowers smell more (they’re always out), the sun shines brighter, my dreams are happy. I feel loved. But it doesn’t last and I can’t ever stay for long because I don’t belong there...you never know what people’s intentions are, what they’re thinking and saying about you.
I hate it so much..but I love it because it’s where I’m supposed to be. I can’t explain it any other way...